I have been to Bonetown and it was gooood!
Bonetown at last! I was pretty pumped to try the latest 3D sex game to hit the net. The buzz on Bonetown was ripe and the preview videos were very promising. How can can you go wrong with a game starring legendary porn star Ron Jeremy? He doesn’t lend his name and likeness to just anything (does he?). Like the bastard child of Grand Theft Auto and Sexvilla 2, Bonetown warmed up my screen with an enticingly rendered vixen, promising carnal delights to come.
Always one for a quickie, I started out in the fast fuck “fantasy” mode. My studly character was quickly strutting about in an elaborate whorehouse that resembled the lobby of a fancy Vegas casino. Scantily dressed women lounged around on couches and were receptive to pretty much any kind of sexual favor I was looking for.
The onscreen heads-up-display was a bit cryptic though. It took me a while to figure out that the little puckery thing was an anus! I thought it was half a grapefruit and we were going to have a nice breakfast reading the paper. Whoops – sorry honey!
I managed to get laid quickly but before I figured out the sex controls it was all over. My new fuck friend rated my performance as “horrible!”. Guess I need a bit more tutoring in the controls of local love. Perhaps I would do better in the actual game …
The Main Event
I woke up on a sandy beach under a warm trickling shower. The golden spray turned out to be a local boozehound relieving himself while muttering about “giant jellyfish”. After this rude awakening I was greeted by
Candy, a sexy beach bimbo with a toothpick waist who proceeded to give me head. In between slurps I was treated to a verbal tour of Bonetown basics.
It seems this game is all about the balls. You start out with a tiny sack and work your way up to cajones grande. At first you’ll be lucky to get action from even the chubbier chicks (which I personally prefer anyway) but as your balls balloon the finer girls of Bonetown will all be hungry for your cockmeat sandwich. Eventually you can pork your way up to beach bimbos, supermodels and pretty much any cute cheerleader walking down the street.
By the time Candy was riding my flagpole I was getting the rhythm of the pleasuring interface. A pearl necklace later we were basking in post-coital bliss when a neckless hulk in black showed up out of nowhere. Apparently “The Man” had been watching from the bushes (ooo .. voyeurism!). He dropped a downer on the whole affair by arresting Candy and laying a guilt trip on me. I made a note to watch for twitchy bushes when treating myself to public poontang in the future.
I strutted onto the main strip, eager to rumble and start building my ball power!
Before long I met a nice Jewish hillbilly. He gave me a magic potion made from King Solomon’s pubic hairs. Ummm – good! Apparently this potent elixir gave me the power to steal someone’s identity. A drink that was sure to come in handy at some point.
I wandered onto the dock and kicked some rasta ass for the fun of it. I was rewarded with a bag of weed which told me I could jump higher by smoking it. Bolstered with confidence I sparked up a fatty and looked for my next conquest. I picked on a skinny dude who proceeded to kick my newbie ass and steal my clothes! I had similar luck with a Japanese tourist who belted me with his camera and left me in desperate need of a little health (and morale) boost.
Candy had told me that getting my dick sucked was a good way to restore my health (beats powerups!). I flagged down a passing BBW and spouted some love poetry on her: “Damn, bitch you got some great dick sucking lips!” and “I know you want to give me a blowjob”. For some reason I didn’t get anywhere with this sweet talk. I needed look a bit harder for the “charm” button.
Eventually I completed my first mission which involved helping out a crack whore. I was rewarded with a “gummer” where she removed her false teeth before swallowing my rod. Mmmm … good! This got my balls growing and I was able to bed down one of the Walmart whales for a quickie in the park. Then it was time to tackle “dances with pink elephants” – a stereotypical Indian who hung out in the tennis court with his hooch. Kind of a mini-boss who’s special power was tossing broken wine bottles at my head.
I didn’t get far enough yet to see the promised Ron Jeremy but I do plan to pork my way through the game at my own pace. I did play enough to know that Bonetown is indeed a fun and arousing game to play and I’m looking forward to logging lots more hours in it.
Bonetown requires a reasonably recent graphics card that supports Pixel Shader 2.0. They aren’t kidding about this. I was unable to get the game running on either my laptop or PC and needed to upgrade my video card before I could enter into some carnal carnage. They are pretty clear about this requirement on their website so you might want to check your tech specs before getting the game. Once I picked up a new card everything ran like a lubed-up latina. The boning could begin!
Bonetown is a refreshingly spunktastic ride in a sea of thank-you-maam 3D sex games. The first truly successful blend of open world gaming and stimulating sex play. The graphics are cartoony but raunchy enough to put a tent in your pants. The music is great, the dialog is funny and the overall production values are top notch. I did find the HUD a bit cryptic and there isn’t a lot of documentation other than a quick reference page.
Fans of GTA style games will miss the standard ability to jack cars and create some driving mayhem, but that’s not really what this game is about. The ultimate focus is on the three F’s: fucking, fighting and getting fucked up. There are drugs galore, ranging from dime bags of dope to mushrooms and magical whisky. Bonetown doesn’t care about ratings or getting banned off the shelf for “hot coffee” moments. It boldly embraces the taboos of sex and drugs in a fun to play fuck fest that satisfies on multiple levels.
A ton of fun and well worth the price. Get it before it’s banned!