By Bobocat

Just in case you’ve been sleeping under a virtual rock the past few years there’s this extremely popular (and often newsworthy) online metaverse called Second Life. In SL you can build stuff, buy stuff, sell stuff, play games and frolic about with other “residents”. What we want to know is how to do the horizontal tango with our sex starved avatars. Here’s a quick summary of how to get laid in Second Life.

Much like in your first life you need to look appealing to bait the fish you’re after. If you’re avatar is a giant chicken in stretch pants you aren’t going to get too far. Unless of course you want to find a similar partner and make a fricasee.

2) Equip yourself

Your out of the box avatar has the standard issue genitalia of a GI Joe. Smooth, flat and featureless. You might make it to the bedroom but your chat box will be brimming with LOL’s instead of passionate squeals. Kinda kills the mood.

Avoid embarrassment by shopping around for a donkey dong ahead of time by searching for “penis” or “free penis” links. That will get a you some basic manhood. If you want to really impress your date you will might have to pull out your credit card and fork over a few lindens for a premium pecker. Once you’re new wood weapon is procured, follow this tutorial to attach it.

3) Find a sex partner

There are a number of good hunting grounds in Second Life to find a quicky or pursue a romance. Search for bars, clubs, sex clubs, romance, etc and you will come up with a smorgasborg of possibilities. You can even find specialty groups for bondage play and “furries” (OK – maybe that giant chicken has some potential after all). Once you find a likely spot, compliment your potential fuck buddy on their appearance and buy them a virtual drink. Offer them something out of your inventory that goes with their outfit. A bouquet of dildos perhaps? Good thing those virtual slaps don’t hurt as much (yet).

4) Find a love shack

While your partner is still warm and willing you will need to find some discreet location to do the deed. While the middle of the dance floor should work fine, for some reason the prevailing morals of the real world do cross over. Unless you’re in an actual sex club you should probably find somewhere more discreet. You have a couple of options here. If neither of you has a virtual love loft you can teleport to, in a pinch you can rent a “room” in a no-tell skybox. Since air traffic and gravity aren’t big issues in the virtual world many residents build hovering shag shacks over their land. These can be rented by the hour for a few measly Lindens. Search for “skybox rental”.

5) Procure some sex furniture

Animations in Second Life are either saved in your inventory or loaded off of “pose balls”. If you go for the love shack rental option ensure that it includes the special furniture that you will need to have sex. This can range from rugs and couches to the more traditional beds and kitchen counters. Sex furniture will include the pose balls needed to syncronize your positions. It’s no good having one of you 6-ing unless the other one is 9-ing.

6) Fuck and Roll!

If you’ve gotten this far you’re ready for a poontang party! Slap on your pork sword, hop on the “love seat” and pick an appropriate coupling animation. If your furniture is worth it’s Lindens you should have a variety of poses to select from starting with steamy foreplay and climaxing in some sticky piston pumping. As far as I know you shouldn’t catch any viruses doing this, but I’m sure that will change over time.